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Rutgers Application Essay - With A Free Essay Review




Going into my college search, diversity was definitely one of the top requirements on my checklist. Growing up in northern New Jersey, diversity has virtually surrounded me my entire life. However, being from Montville, a suburban town filled with middle-upper class, and mainly white, people, my high school is slightly void of diversity in the traditional sense: race, ethnicity, religion, etc. Luckily though, through various extracurriculars, I have gotten my share of variety, yet want nothing more than to get my fill from Rutgers.

I first came into my greatest contact with diversity in my sophomore year of high school. I was invited to the National Young Leaders Conference in Washington DC to learn about government and see the nation’s capitol with students from all over the country. Both excited and nervous, I stepped into my study group with kids from every state and Puerto Rico. Immediately after a quick icebreaker, leadership and teamwork activities went into full swing. Being the only New Jerseyan, I was anxious to find out how each person worked coming from their different backgrounds. But to my surprise, working with everyone was easier than I had anticipated. I quickly became comfortable with my new team members and gained my role as an ambassador for our debate. We worked on making mock trials, legislature, and ultimately toured the city together. By the end of our weeklong journey in DC, we all were able to open up and built lifelong friendships, as I still keep in touch with many of them today. NYLC taught me the importance of a variety of people and gained me first hand experience on a national level.

From experiences such as NYLC, I have learned the importance of diversity in any situation. From my volleyball team, to my DECA competition, this variety makes for greater learning opportunities. While working at a Public Relations firm in Manhattan this passed summer, I was surrounded by various people with different personalities and working skills. I now know, that being surrounded by diversity will help me to better cope with my responsibilities in the real world. Being an aspiring marketing major, I am setting myself up to be in a field where working with people and teamwork is essential. By choosing a diverse college experience, I know it will only prepare me to overcome challenges and form relationships not only in the work world, but also in life in general.

To me, adaptability, camaraderie, and the formation of relationships define what it means to be diverse. With the hopeful privilege of enrolling in Rutgers University, I know the benefits of its diverse community will be endless.

ESSAY REVIEW

Your essay would be at least twice as good as it is if you just deleted the first paragraph, which, I'm sorry to say, is about as convincing as the tears of Glenn Beck. You treat diversity as though it were a commodity that Rutgers has up for sale and you really want to buy it. (Of course, many universities do parade their diversity as a commodity for sale, but that's beside the point). So completely revise the opening, or excise the whole thing and start with "I was once invited to the National Young Leaders Conference in Washington DC."

Here's the complete prompt: "Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences."

This prompt asks you two specific questions: How will you benefit from Rutgers' vibrant community? How will you contribute to it? Your essay barely answers the first question, and ignores the second. Let me quote two of your sentences as examples:

"NYLC taught me the importance of a variety of people and gained me first hand experience on a national level. "

"From my volleyball team, to my DECA competition, this variety makes for greater learning opportunities."

In these sentences, you identify benefits of "diversity" and "variety," but only in general terms. What exactly did NYLC teach you about the importance of diversity? How did playing volleyball or being in the DECA competition teach you that "variety makes for greater learning opportunities"? What were these learning opportunities? How did you take advantage of them? What did you learn? I infer from the rest of the paragraph from which the second quotation is taken that you think being in a vibrant community will prepare you to cope with teamwork in the real world. That's really the thesis, so to speak, of your essay, so you might want to articulate it more clearly, and make it more obvious that that is your answer to the first question in the prompt. It doesn't have to be your only answer, but so far it appears to be, with the possible exception of your remark about forming relationships. It was unclear to me, however, how the fact of diversity itself helps you form relationships. You also have an implicit story going on in your second paragraph about how you were once anxious about being thrust into the middle of group with people from places that were not New Jersey, but you thrived. You don't really make it clear that you enjoyed meeting people from different places or learning about different places and so on. You probably also don't sufficiently emphasize the part of the story that might help you answer the second question in the prompt. So far, you don't answer that question at all. So, how will you contribute. There are two ways to answer that.

(1) You could claim to be culturally interesting.

Unfortunately, you're from New Jersey, so you're not really culturally interesting.

(2) You could claim to be experienced in the art of getting on with people from different backgrounds which you hope will allow you to contribute something or other when it comes to working on class projects or being involved in campus organizations.

Unfortunately, you don't have any such experience.

Fortunately, one of two sentences that begin with the word "unfortunately" is false. (Hint: It's the second one).

Best, EJ

P.S., Before you organize a New Jersey-culture-loving Internet posse to wreak pitiless vengeance against peddlers of calumniatory reviews, let me just clarify that I meant that in coming from New Jersey you are only not culturally interesting to Rutgers. As proven by MTV, the rest of the world is all kinds of crazy about New Jersey.

P.P.S., What on earth is DECA?

Submitted by: lea221

Tagged...essay writing help, essay about diversity



Recommended Personal Statement: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. You may draft your statement in another word processing program and then paste it below.

Playing tennis has been an important part of my life. When I first started playing, I was not very good. I wanted to become better, so I practiced whenever I could. Eventually after many long hours of hitting balls (many of which went into the net), I finally became a decent player. Tennis taught me that if I put hard work into anything I do, I will be successful. I have also made many friends playing tennis. At school, I sometimes had trouble making new friends, but playing tennis I was able to meet new people easily. My self esteem went up and I was able to socialize with more people at school.

I will be able to benefit from the diversity at Rutgers University. There will be many different people who have hobbies similar to mine, like tennis. Meeting new people will lead me to new friends and interests. It should be easy for me to feel comfortable and socialize with new people. I will also benefit from simply being in that vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. I think it will give me new outlooks on life. I believe this will be important when I am finally out in the real world.

With all the different people attending, I hope that I can add some culture from my life to their lives. I listen to ska music, which is a type of music most people do not listen to. I also have some uncustomary hobbies, like hacky sac and the Pokemon card game. I hope to contribute my interests to the pallets of other students. I will also contribute to Rutgers University with my hardworking attitude. I will try to spread my outlook on life and help other students succeed. I have shown my current friends how hard work can lead to success. Now they try to take that view on their endeavors. I will do all that I can to add to the community at Rutgers University.

This academia was first published 18 Oct 2005 and last revised 13 Feb 2016.Adam Cap is a sometimes raconteur, rare dingus collector, and webmaster probably best known for SixPrizes (serving as “El Capitan”) and PkmnCards (read: fine art purveyor). He scrapbooks yonder every minute or three.

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